The Ninth Sense

Unwittingly, unknowingly, obliviously… call it whatever, maybe guided by a 9th sense…I was doing things that helped me survive, I mean really kept me alive, through the abuse, in death…because it felt like death, it felt like a prison and I couldnt breathe, I couldnt eat without getting sick, I stopped existing in my mind. The fight was all gone…

What was I doing last 5 years, that kept me alive? I am in no way prescribing the same for anyone. Just listing that whatever I was doing helped. Even though it felt crazy and I was judged plenty and I felt like I was a bad person and a worse mother. ..but I am here today to tell my story.

And the moral of the story is: whatever you are doing, however you might be dealing with abuse, depression, anxiety, labels, bpd….keep waking up…every morning!

Show up!

Dont give up!

Cuss a lot! Smoke and drink and cry….but

Donot judge yourself. You are not bad. I am not a bad person. We just were scared to be ourselves because we didnt want to hurt anyone. But we hurt so so bad inside and nobody cared, I mean genuinely cared.

I have died many times. Childbirth was touch and go. Then hysterectomy. Then being poisoned. Being locked away in mental hospital. I found myself on my knees, felt I wont survive…and here I am. I did survive. I fought because of my two children…who would love them the way I did? Noone…noone cared. So, I had to fight. I had to try.

I smile everyday.

Some days I cry for a few minutes because i miss my Dad, wish he was here to see me today, to see my daughter get her first car. To see how far I have come, to see me trying to envision a life for me. He would smile and be so happy that I have been strong. He used to tell me…baby, you are a strong girl.

Everyday, I am hit by some memory from the past, everyday I feel angry for 2 seconds, but the fog has cleared. I can see.

Be kind to yourself. Because it’s part of your story and will lead to light n healing.

Our choices are constantly teaching us and helping us grow into gorgeous human beings. You agree?

I dont know how I got here. The person I am today, the resolve I feel within, to make a life for me and my daughters….a life that my dad deserved and wished for me.

That’s all I can say today.

Thank you for giving me a listen. 🙂