The Ninth Sense

Well….the morning I found out I was pregnant, I did the kit and a blue line appeared. I put it in an envelope and wrote loving words and woke him up. I was grinning

But He didn’t say anything. He gave me that look that I had done something wrong. Now, we have to deal with this!

I was scared. We agreed that we wont disclose to anyone, till the doctors have checked me in USA. We were visiting India at that time.

The next thing I know is his mother calling to congratulate me and tell me what to do. I was shocked. He just laughed when I pointed out that he had broken his promise not to tell anyone.

I had strong urge to eat particular things and certain smells made me sick. But my food was snatched away and thrown on the street…you cant eat this, how dare you buy non vegetarian food! I remember standing there in shock. I couldnt understand what I had done wrong.

Then came the instructions of what to do and what to eat and how to behave and what not to do!

Every night He sat with the laptop and a book and educated me on what’s going to happen, every night he put fear in me, many days I worried about loosing this baby.

But a determination and some kind of energy came within me. A creativeness that got me busy. I started knitting and sewing and embroidery for the baby. I made quilts and curtains…everything neutral coz I didnt want to know the sex of the baby. In my heart I wished for a girl.

Hehe.

I organized my own baby shower and my soul friend from germany came to visit with tons of chocolates.

Then it was decided that my in laws would come for the birthing. Coz my mom wouldn’t be much help and his mom was more homely body. I was told we will need help coz I wont be able to do anything…hmm.

Well…the delivery got complicated very fast. I remember being in pain n asking for a nurse and noone was called. He insisted on helping. After 15 hours, I was spiking fever and we were both in distress, so a emergency C section was done. The anesthesiologist was very angry that my condition had been ignored and not reported…by Him.

A little baby girl I was told, she looked like an angel. I said hi baby.

I was told i couldnt touch the baby coz i had fever and the doctors were checking the baby and we were in ICU. I was spiking 105 degree fever. I was in so much pain. He and his parents would stand in a corner and look at me like i was dying. They spoke in hushed whispers. When i asked what was wrong, nobody said a word.

On third day, another c section was performed coz of suspected absys.

Lot of pain followed…and I fought to live. It turned out that I had blood infection and my water had broken but not reported….I suspected I had been played.

After 10 days, we came home.

(I will try and finish this post today I am telling myself)

I stayed in the bedroom, alone, ignored, no conversations…

Trying to pump milk for the baby, being mocked for not producing enough! I had to write in a chart everyday the feeds n peed and poops of the baby. Every evening that’s the first thing He demanded from me.

My in laws would take my baby from me if she started to cry a little….I didnt understand…I still dont know what happened.

I would sing to my baby, and I cried a lot….and I survived i suppose.

There is so much that comes to mind….but the jist of it was the message that “you should be grateful WE saved your life, otherwise you would have been dead”…

I will stop here.

6 months after the birth, I was asked to see a pschychiatrist coz I might be suffering from post partum depression. And the anti depressants were started.

Wouldn’t anyone be depressed and weepy if you were ignored and left alone and no hugs, no conversations, no food, just ignored and ignored…day after day after day….