The Ninth Sense

What happened in February 2017?

So, 23 years ago…hmm

Your honor….I was in Kansas that time. I got a call from Dad…lizzy my dog at home died.

I was in disbelief and distraught and reached out to this ex guy I had dated coz I had shared with him how Lizy was the world to me.

Next week he proposed and I said yes. Because I had been on the matrimonial sites for a year and was 30 and under a lot of social cultural pressure to get married. There was nothing else left to do, I had got a master’s degree and was working and the next obvious thing is marriage n kids…right?

So, the engagement blahs blahs happened, with the wedding to be in November in India

And then early september I found out I was pregnant and having a miscarriage…at the same moment! The doctors admitted me in the hospital and for a week I was bleeding and crying and feeling guilty, like I had committed a crime, and let down family. Ofcourse i told my brother and i even tried to call off the marriage. Nobody asked how i was doing, nobody came to be with me, i underwent a laparoscopic surgery and came home and lay there writhing in pain, alone. I deserved this, it was all my fault and I am such a bad person. I have brought shame to the family.

A month later I went to India to get married, with the stitches still tender and hurting.

Again, nobody cared. Well, my parents n his family didn’t know.

Sit there, do this, dont wear this color it’s bad luck for a bride to be, you cant be dancing on your own wedding, etc etc

I stayed in a little room, and hours before the wedding I had had enough. I locked myself in a hotel room and refused to get married, refused to be treated like a cow, hated the pain I felt sitting on the floor for 3 days of some stupid hindu ceremonies with stitches in my belly….I wanted to run away from it all.

My brother, who I loved and respected, came and talked me into going ahead. Today I know he did not CARE for me. It was like “my sister is 30 and somebody needs to marry her, coz she wont dind anyone…and I already have found a girl I wanna marry today…and according to our culture a brother cant marry till the older sister is married. (That’s a lot of pressure on me…you get that?)

So, I went through the ceremonies sadly and got married. And cried and cried for the next 7 days, didnt eat, didnt poop, didnt smile, didn’t laugh, didnt have a honeymoon….only felt the pain in my belly from tying a sari which I HAD to wear, no choice, no support, no kindness from my new husband!

I died a little then….

PS: well, I got transported in time and must stop now…but will be back here…taking a brief recess! 😉

Pss: I asked him…where are we going for honeymoon?

Him: No. (Laughs) we dont need a honeymoon…you just had a surgery (not miscarriage) and we can do it later. What’s the big deal…its not like we havent done it!

My mind was confused, I wanted it…but I didnt need it? He decided what I needed. And I had done a very bad thing, committed a sin, and did not deserve a happy moment after the hell I had been through…Alone! I had lost my baby and had not even mourned it yet, because I was busy getting married. It was all my fault. I DIDNOT deserve happiness!! Who decided that?