It took me 10 days to get my act together…my bowel movements and my sleep and my coffee times, blogging time, appetite…everything went for a toss given the 12 hour time difference and my age difference and changing hotels.. Teehee
The mission is accomplished though …my daughter has started college. And she is doing okay. I met her today after 4 days…and she seems well adjusted.
I had planned of gallavanting around and visiting places and eating what i want….and of course allow myself to heal from the shit that happened prior to boarding the flight for USA.
I had sat amongst my saviour and brother and guardian angel and my mother. And i wasn’t allowed to complete my sentences. A decision was taken that divorce should be finalized by November. The conditions were agreed, children’s education spoken about, but no-one spoke about me and my wish to return to USA. The agreement made ensures that financially I will never be able to leave India. There is food for me…but I don’t taste it and don’t eat. I have roof over my head but I live under the sky all my waking hours. What kind of deal did I make? I didn’t agree to this? Why cant they see me…hear me…I broke down inside with shock! I trusted all these people with my soul n life.
But what i am feeling and what i am doing is totally different….
I have moved closer to my daughter, a hotel and have decided not to venture anywhere. I lack the confidence to travel alone. Yesterday I walked a few blocks and felt anxious and had to return home. Same is with going into the stores.
I did laundry in a laundromat and it was so cool. I realized that i didn’t have many clothes…again a huge surprise for me! I wasn’t like this before. But now I see me and who I have become.
I see familiar things that I used to buy…i look at them with a familiarity, but I brush them aside…I don’t touch them, I dont want anything anymore. But I remember buying these things. How come I don’t wanna buy anything for me….I don’t taste food…what’s the point? Besides I don’t need anything…things don’t matter to me anymore.
I am doing what i can do and what I want to do…while staying close to my child incase she needs me.