The Ninth Sense

So…

Am sitting here under a tree…at the university campus.

Absorbing the facts of what’s happened n happening in my life.

I didn’t just travel half way across the world…I crossed a lot of time…my memories coming back. Arriving here after 11 years of being away….is still surreal. My daughter will start college and then I will return home to my other daughter.

But i want to be hopeful that i am able to come back here for good. I know it I will…but deep inside I am so scared…so so scared. What if I am not able to leave, what will happen to me., will I always remain trapped. The web is very big and strong. It was carefully laid over 21 years. The family I trusted with my life, depended on for mercy….condemned me to a life of no choice.

I have to be free…I wanna be free…

I want to be more than just BPD person. I dont want my options or my choices taken away. Labelled for life? Am i a brand ?

Nobody asked me…they just took away my right to live. I screamed and I shouted and I cried…but I never asked Why, I did not have words in me to tell what i was feeling. I tried to tell, but nobody listened. Why, I asked myself? I got an answer…I am to be used only and thrown or recycled by another abuser.

You are dismissed…You have BPD. You are a bad person. You are a leech, you don’t deserve to be touched, you are not wanted anymore…leave the house, go, get out, see the real world…You wouldn’t survive, you will be begging on streets….I am scared of being a beggar. I dont wanna be a beggar. I can’t leave my girls. I will pop my pills and do anything and everything that takes to keep me alive

I am alive and in CA.

I am alright.

I have lost my cool a few times but I bounced back. I am a mother today…if you saw all the mother’s here, they all look like they have BPD. Some are Dis-associating and some are smiling too much ….all symptoms of a mental problem. All of us struggling to keep our composure and not let onto the kids…the pain inside. I am saving that feeling to feel tomm…after the mission is accomplished.

I know I won’t get any medals for doing what i done. But I hope I can create a category of my choice for myself

My choice is the Moon.