The Ninth Sense

“Our belief system goes to grave with us” ….says I

So i choose wisely. And choose what works for me today and be willing to change….Be fickle…change is allowed. I won’t inherit it blindly. My father would tell me..”.live making noise…because aint nobody’s dad buying my food”…Hindi.. dharelley sey raho, kissi ke baap kaa khatey hain kya”

I beleive I have BPD. First I had depression and then at the age of 47years….after I have undergone 5 surgeries, breeded…become a mother and a working woman…

I seek treatment for bpd…right?

I did when I had bad uterine cancer. You would if you had cancer or a wart on your ass or just plain heart attacks….like everyday of your life for 51 yrs….freak me!

I go to the best doctor in town….get diagnosed with BPD. And it made perfect sense. In fact I cried because he used all the right words to describe what i felt inside. And I have been receiving treatment for 6 years now. Combination of medicines and talk therapy twice a week and seeing the psychiatric doctor. I always take my meds on time and kept 98 percent of my appointments. But my functioning capacity dropped n dropped. I couldnt function and became very irritable n hopeless.

My saviour in consultation with my ex therapist increased my meds. Why was i upset? I had lost my cool and got into an altercation with my inlaws family, after they abused me and accused me of being insane…one of a kind…we have never met anyone like you…you have no right to claim anything…get out of our house…you can’t take the girls…..you have ruined lives…and they called the cops on me…my own family…I am part of this family..no? My saviour helping them every step of the way, did not save me or my daughters from being called names.

Why did i loose it?

I lost it when I found my trust crumble …my house of cards came crashing down. My saviour and his 11 family memebers verbally raped me and demeaned me. Robbed me of all dignity and love that i was raised with. All my efforts to be a good wife and a responsible mother and have a happy family just gone…i got robbed of my faith in humanity and mankind and my saviour became the persecutor!

My girls cried with me…as helpless as me…because they were little kids who constantly saw their mother fight everyday….for what? To realise we are mere slaves in the grand picture and I will never be free..free from my balcony. Because i was controlled by my saviour. I was told again and again and again and again and I cried and begged..”Going back to USA is not a choice” I was told.

But nobody wanted to listen to me. My dad would have listened.

Then came the point last year when i had to commit to rTMS. 6.5 month x 5 days a week x 37 mins avg chair time. This was my last straw. And took a lot out of me.

I had to become strong and use some sanity when my business challenged me to move my business location…expected better sales as well. So I made the move. But I lost money. I was just trying to make some money. When I realized I wasn’t gonna make money…what do you do? I stopped spending. You cut your losses and save what you have…I did!

Moved my business location to its last resting place and this time I have made the right call…teehee. I found a new store address very close to home. I beleive we are good to go now that rental n overhead expenses have dropped. Today I got my first customer…an old customer sniffed us out! Ofcourse…I will revisit my decisions after 2 months. I know exactly what i am doing, secret plans..shhh

My beleif system:

I am me.

Me is part of the universe.

I am a choice of the universe.

Universe is kind n nurturing. I have never seen a tree gaslighting the sky.. but vice versa does happen.

The end.