Can I be me?
I donno who I am is what I believed. But I think I knew all along that i was different. I didn’t fit any probability theorem. I felt everyone and was kind and made a Lotta noise.
But i am finding me through you..
Through writing. I set out to write so I could help one person…ease their pain…be perhaps helpful in changing the course of their lives.
Here’s what hit me yesterday…I am the person I was looking for! I am the one who got help the most. I saw that. I feel it. Do you feel it? All of us trying to abolish pain n suffering in pain. No animals are being harmed here. There is only unconditional and selfless love amongst all of us BPD and D’s. Why do we feel like eradicating pain…finding solutions daily and hoping something might help. Because you don’t leave an injured soilder behind now…do you?
Today…looking at the stats…I wondered…why the whole world lights up like little coloured dots…all across the globe…on my WordPress world map? It makes me smile for sure. But then…why am I getting only one like per day? despite 75 views a day. Hmm. I dont understand. What does that mean?
I need to remind you that i dont do electronics much, because i get confused and searching for one specific thing becomes a needle in a haystack. I can read…but comprehending a sentence in totality is challenging if i dont understand some words. Dont worry i will aleays come up with an answer…just not what you expect from a grown up woman.
How can I feel something I don’t understand? Or
I understand you through feeling you. I see what you don’t see….I see that we the mentally denounced are the reality and truth that intelligent exceptional sensitive funny creative souls roam this universe. Why would you call me a stigma?
Point being….it’s all good. I wouldn’t be here if i didn’t wanna be here. And i can move somewhwre if i want….i am not a reftigerator plugged to the wall..
When I was pregnant with my older child…the lamaze instructor explained what a parent is…example…if you are having a migraine and your waddling monkey child trips n falls…what do you do? You I’mmediately swing your feet down from whichever horizontal surface you might be on…and run towards the child and tend to her wound, mumma got you babe…I tell her and then i kiss the boo boo and put a dora band aid on it.
All of the above must have transpired for 2 to 5 minutes …You reckon?
Where was the migraine fucking pain? Exactly there….where you told it to fuck off because my little girl needed her mommy.
It makes me cry…because I stopped kissing booboos and stopping cooking or playing with them…going to a park and gathering fall leaves and jumping in them. I lost my mind. I just couldn’t make myself move. But…I am like their shadow…I follow them to the mall despite noise n people… for a horse riding training for 10 days…40 Deg with high humidity..a potent trigger for me. Last year I was stranded on a island for 11 days shout any beer. And that almost killed me. I went because my girl wanted to go swimming with whale sharks. Local island. 200 people. All smiling at each other…because they all fkg trapped on a small island. But coming to me….I spent 11 days in the heat and the water and watching my girls squeal with delight…taking videos and pictures. I lived. I more than lived. I left a part of my soul behind.
It’s all because I have BPD?
But i was fine when I was born
I was cute and had curly hair.
I was fine when I got my masters from KSU…
My point is…I am alive. My mind is still a devils workshop…teehee
Anything can happen next…right? I can’t predict. But I have this feeling that i will be fine.
I have continued to smile at my girls and watch them grow with a helpless mother…who cried every morning because I couldn’t see them off to school….slip little sticky notes in their bags…what happened to me…
I am told I have BPD. I was told I have depression when I was 26 yrs old.
Both were and are attributed to my genes and Some childhood trauma. I was never raped. I am not a victim. Dude…I was raised like a princess…no boundaries. I did what i wanted to do…strong determination and brilliant multitasking. Juggling 30 things at a time…hey…none fell on my watch.
Now…I have slowed down. I like that. Write 3 things to do but acheive 20 miles…hehe
I will be back…
Ps: my brother is xoming from America.