The Ninth Sense

I have decided to discontinue my rTMS therapy. Electromagnetic stimulus to left n right cortex to help with depression and anxiety respectively.

Many reasons….but I am not the reason for my sickness or whatever the THING I have. I am not the cause. How can I be the cause.

The problem is not me. It’s my situation. All along I thought I had BPD. Let’s presume I do. What caused it? Gaslighting was not listed in the options, neither was narcissim or Mental abuse or inhuman treatment…

So…if I didn’t wanna live in Bangalore or move back to India…then my want matters? My reasons have always been transparent…

I didn’t wanna come back here…because

A. I was settled in Usa

F1. Heat!!! Always hot n that bothered me.

C. I had a job as realtor and I drove my own car.

F. I was independent I think.

B. Mosquitos scare me because they bite me so much. I have to wear mosquito odomos cream day and night. I have a cream tube everywhere, in the car, home and in my bag. When I get bit it hurts for 3 days and I feel like dying of pain. I get very irritable and angry and then start crying coz it won’t let me sleep.

11 years with mosquitos now.

Y. My dad and mom and ME worked very hard to get me through masters degree in USA. My dad stood on construction sites in 40 degrew heat at the age of 75 to work as a supervisor despite being such a reknown architect. He gave his entire retirement money for my education. I worked many jobs during my masters degree. I was always working or in the classroom.

C. My girls were happy in USA

X. I did not feel my girls will be safe in India.

Y. I did not like the noise and th3 crowds and always felt threatened.

Z. I was manipulated…told a lie…tricked into coming back to India.

Ps: i lost all control of my life!

And 11 years later…here I am. Making a mockery of my life…why?