Money: Borderline Personality Disorder Trigger & Symptom?

Talk about money!!

I read Kutterfly’s blog today. It triggered a memory…a memory of how paranoid I was 2 years ago….over money. Not having enough to support me…I feared dying on the streets alone n poor n homeless…a nobody. Useless burden.

Becoz my business tanked. I got very sick. I couldn’t work full time.

I was financially dependent. I still am. But i dont worry today!

So the story goes like this…I was using Galvanized iron pipes for making bath fittings and furniture for my home….recycle/upcycle!

I thought I could save some money…hide it. Atleast there will be some money for the girls to live. (I did not know the real worth of money) That’s how bleak my reality was.

So…I started hiding 100 rupees or 500 rupees in the pipe fittings and other places… 😉

Then the demonitization happened and I was like fuck…cause all the 500 rupee notes were pulled from the market. And mine were buried in god knows which pipe!

I tried unscrewing some pipes but ofcourse I had forgotten which ones I put the money in…

I found a few….the rest remain unfound!

I can’t believe I did that.

But….

For me….fear of not having money has been a symptom for last 20 years only because of BPD and gaslighting. I would be on the streets if not for the money i receive as a favor….I was told….I could never support myself….or so I was made to beleive.

Despite having 5 college degrees!

Today….I just wanna be free. When I am not hurting…I can make money by magic. If i have the balls to stay alive then I can fend for me…you reckon?

The end.

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