Can you help me find me?

I cannot see myself….i just can’t. But i need to find Raina.

I write to you

I can feel you

I hear you and I can relate

if you say something nice I feel thankful and kind. But i dont feel it. I dont beleive you? I want to maybe! A friend from childhood reached out to me today and said I was always so beautiful. And i try to remember how I looked….beautiful does not come to mind…just a backbencher who can mimic others.

A few months ago I came across a few photographs from 25 years ago. I remember thinking I was an ordinary looking girl …not pretty but alright.

But at some point I started hating my body…which was fat and ugly and evil…not worthy of being touched. A person who can’t even write a check, a 51 year old woman who can’t take care of herself!! That’s what I heard.

No matter how hard I try…i am not able to see me. And i need to find me soon…so i can survive and fight for Raina…for me…

I am learning so much from all of you…my new home…my universe…getting answers…seeing things FOR the first time. I feel finally I have friends who can see me!

Since I can’t navigate the web…i am hoping you all can help me…please!

With best regards,

Rain ah

Ps: i visited this farm last evening

..where I am designing horse stables for my daughters riding school.


One response to “Can you help me find me?”

  1. Dear Raina, though I only got to meet you in person a few times, I always wished I saw you more! My girls and I loved your shop when we lived there. It takes creativity and heart to fill a store with things for others and you did that! Your spirit’s influence is evident in what you do 🙂 Also, in your desire to find yourself in these posts, I see strength. It’s important to know you are not an illness, you are still Raina who happens to have challenges related to an illness. It can feel consuming! But keep up your search for yourself. For other encouragements, friends have recommended Louise Hay’s videos on YouTube. She wrote You Can Heal Your Life which helps address our emotions in healing. Blessings, Leah

    Liked by 1 person

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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration.


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