I cannot see myself….i just can’t. But i need to find Raina.
I write to you
I can feel you
I hear you and I can relate
if you say something nice I feel thankful and kind. But i dont feel it. I dont beleive you? I want to maybe! A friend from childhood reached out to me today and said I was always so beautiful. And i try to remember how I looked….beautiful does not come to mind…just a backbencher who can mimic others.
A few months ago I came across a few photographs from 25 years ago. I remember thinking I was an ordinary looking girl …not pretty but alright.
But at some point I started hating my body…which was fat and ugly and evil…not worthy of being touched. A person who can’t even write a check, a 51 year old woman who can’t take care of herself!! That’s what I heard.
No matter how hard I try…i am not able to see me. And i need to find me soon…so i can survive and fight for Raina…for me…
I am learning so much from all of you…my new home…my universe…getting answers…seeing things FOR the first time. I feel finally I have friends who can see me!
Since I can’t navigate the web…i am hoping you all can help me…please!
With best regards,
Ps: i visited this farm last evening
..where I am designing horse stables for my daughters riding school.