The Ninth Sense

I cannot see myself….i just can’t. But i need to find Raina.

I write to you

I can feel you

I hear you and I can relate

if you say something nice I feel thankful and kind. But i dont feel it. I dont beleive you? I want to maybe! A friend from childhood reached out to me today and said I was always so beautiful. And i try to remember how I looked….beautiful does not come to mind…just a backbencher who can mimic others.

A few months ago I came across a few photographs from 25 years ago. I remember thinking I was an ordinary looking girl …not pretty but alright.

But at some point I started hating my body…which was fat and ugly and evil…not worthy of being touched. A person who can’t even write a check, a 51 year old woman who can’t take care of herself!! That’s what I heard.

No matter how hard I try…i am not able to see me. And i need to find me soon…so i can survive and fight for Raina…for me…

I am learning so much from all of you…my new home…my universe…getting answers…seeing things FOR the first time. I feel finally I have friends who can see me!

Since I can’t navigate the web…i am hoping you all can help me…please!

With best regards,

Rain ah

Ps: i visited this farm last evening

..where I am designing horse stables for my daughters riding school.