I feel i am suffocating:

I am making amazing progress with my seeing my symptoms of BPD …seeing the triggers…questioning my actions…

But…

My depression gotten outta hand last xouple of weeks… because i started connecting dots…and a picture started to emerge…i see things clearly…factually…based on facts rather than feelings. I saw i was all alone with my 2 girls…trying to keep up with the fight .. i can see how my decisions have been wrong…because my feelings overrule every sane thoughts.

But i cant undo the past.

As i try to exist with my two daughters…in this land…fearing for our safety, living day to day worrying about money….how will i be able to bear my medical bills and send the girls to college….what if i live beyond 2025….can i work in my present condition? Can anyone go to work given they are suffering? Nobody sees the bloodshed!

I eat meds…do therapy…go for rtms…try to keep the store open n running everyday…

Smile with the girls when they smile…and absorb all their growing pains…

.i never wanted to be sick or in this place…i dint ask for it at a temple…i have it thats why you dont…..i worked very hard…my father worked on the construction sites as a supervisor…in order to send me some money for college in America. He always worried that i might freeze in winter…so he sent money for warm coats for me. Should i forget it happened? Maybe it dint happen…maybe i am imagining…maybe i am dreaming the pain…

My education my identity my worth my tears my desires my freedom are all to be locked up n buried.

Posted in BPD.

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