I have news for you…this illness can immobilise you…put you in a chair…you can loose YEARS…and decades and might even die not knowing “the answers” to “the pain you lived within”, some may loose their mind and end up in hospitals….MOST will continue to hide / not accept the POSSIBILITY !!
BUT, there is only one person I know today…only one person WHO is prepared to LIVE with BPD…RAINA SAHU…..because I am finding answers….and I feel I can die happy at 80 yrs. I feel a smile coming on….through all the pain and tears! I FEEL that I can make a difference…I KNOW I will get better…because I feel it!! Trust your feelings! I was born with a gift, I can feel 200% more than YOU…I FEEL excited and naughty inside….to find a new me….and START seeing the REASON I have this BPD!
I have not accepted that i am terminally sick. I have too much to do.The doctor has not prescribed bedrest OR slow down, or write a Will…because I am a risk to myself….or told me to quit my job.. or leave for the mountains….i am taking meds n going through therapy…I do it all diligently….because I have so much to do and I don’t have time! BESIDES, its not going to kill me!! Nobody told me….it will kill you SLOWLY, this illness will make you want to die, it will make you HATE yourself (because you keep hurting people, when you DONT want to)…you dint mean to…..you misunderstood!
Note to self: No Raina, you misunderstood THEM. You trusted everyone. You shouldn’t!! Lesson learnt!!
IF I had cancer ….and i was taking medicines and chemotherapy….would I be ALLOWED to feel tired…you will Sympathise with my pain, i will not go quietly to the doctor ALONE….because we can only do math…thats what we learnt in school…. we also learnt to HELP the poor, the less fortunate.. and donate to the orphanage! BUT i dont look sick….so lemme start screaming n shouting….get attention and tell them about my pain. BUT when i start to describe pain….i start hurting …..and I break down and i howl and scream….bcoz i dont have words …i cant find words in the dictionary to describe what i am feeling. When you are in extreme pain….do you start talking FASTER or you STOP TALKING …STOP USING WORDS…STOP USING LANGUAGE ….
You HOWL….because nobody can FEEL what i am feeling.
We PEOPLE… me included….are so fucking conditioned that physical sickness needs attention and support and A DOCTOR …but any kind of mental disorder is because I came into this world head first, NOT the possibility of another human being suffering because of NO FAULT OF HIS/HER!!
Ever ask anyone…hey did you get a mental health checkup? INTELLIGENT and educated people …like ME will not CONSIDER the possibility that I SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR because i havent stepped outside my house in 14 days….i dont feel hungry…i dont taste food….”oh…how is that possible…how can you loose taste “…..so you think i am lying? No…..The DATA from google proves that only 2 people in the whole world have lost taste…and your NAME aint on the roster! I AM ONLY WRITING FOR the one person, WHO is understanding me, RIGHT NOW!! Coz, am trying to find that one person, who understands me!! Then I can teach them everything I have learnt and I will learn too….and pretty soon….we can find 2 more BPD people…and one day we will change the statistics of this PLANET!!