The Ninth Sense

So, when I am having a hard time finding words, how do I explain this to you….because my version has SO MUCH feelings and I can’t find the words, and I don’t understand the meaning of half the words…I can spell them and I have SEEN them, they look FAMILIAR…but I still don’t know what they mean…I have my own vocabulary. However I UNDERSTAND most of the architectural design terms.

I interpret meanings of the words and sentences very differently…

If I had come across the following article from the web, in 2013, when I first heard that I have BPD……I would not have understood it. Today, after 5 years of TREATMENT I FEEL there is so much missing ! How come nobody told me it will take so long, this is fucking serious, why wasn’t my family informed and called and why wasn’t I prescribed COMPLETE REST with 3 meals a day ! Why the fuck didn’t someone tell me that I am sick, that I need care, I need understanding….I am sure they do that for cancer patients. Do you know that I will never stop feeling….till the day I die. Then it won’t matter. Coz its party time! BUT Daddy…I FEEL like partying today…coz guess what….I AM ALIVE!!

Watch my “interpretation of the sentences” written in this article…I have just taken an example…but a good example…my comments are in italics!!

………….

Treatment

Treatment for borderline personality disorder has improved in recent years with the adoption of techniques specifically aimed at people with this disorder. Treatment includes:

• Psychotherapy. This is the core treatment for BPD. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was designed specifically to treat the disorder. Generally conducted through individual, group and phone counselling, DBT uses a skills-based approach to teach people how to regulate their emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.

I have been doing this diligently. And you must too. You WILL if you feel like dying. Tolerate distress? I would hide!! Improve relationships. With who? I have cut my relations without even being BEING aware of it.  I have my daughters and I love them, even when they run all over me. Thats a relationship. There you go! I also have the best psychotherapist in the world! 

• Medications. Medications can’t cure BPD, but they can help associated problems, such as depression, impulsivity and anxiety. Medications may include antidepressant, antipsychotic and antianxiety medications.  

Yes, medicines are important. You can take medicines and then visit the temple. Only in India, I have FOUND so many options to “calm my planets”, yoga, meditation, black magic….Seriously…I have tried everything, from praying to all the gods, (I still do, because I have found out that each God has a separate power.   So, all these years I have been worshipping Lord Krishna…because he is cute and smiling and he has a cow and he can play music and he always has a smiley face…he is full of mischief and plays tricks!!) But because i didn’t worship Ganesha and Lakshmi so much….I missed out on the money!!   I made a mistake in my selection of the GOD to worship….so I went and bought a few more. Now I am surrounded by them….so no more complains! 🙂

Anyways,  Meds will give you support….your brains fried…takes a toll on your body too, which  LOOKs FINE and healthy, but BPD will beat it down…and MEDS can HELP make you hurt less!!                              

• Hospitalization. At times, people with BPD may need more intense treatment in a psychiatric hospital or clinic. Hospitalization can also keep them safe from self-injury.            

In Bangalore…last 5 years, I have had some close calls….begged my doctors to just lock me up….because I DONT WANT to hurt you. I would rather hurt myself. I am used to pain. I can handle it. But you won’t be able to!! IF I hurt you I will not FEEL BETTER…it will only hurt me more, make me feel guilty and ashamed of myself. Until it becomes a pattern, a cycle and you start believing you are BAD and evil and damaged.

• Because treatment can be intense and long term, people face the best chance for success when they find mental health providers with experience treating BPD.

VERY IMPORTANT: to get the correct diagnosis, to trust your caregiver and to Give yourself time and space to heal. Because I feel you will heal…….trust me?!!

(Next blog : WHAT to do when you hear you have BPD!!)