I LOST Raina….the most loved person by my daughters, my brother, my mother and my father.

I lost time…

I lost relationships. when I didn’t wanna loose them. I got angry because nobody understood me….but I didn’t understand either….

I could not explain what would happen to me inside, HOW I would be feeling inside…..why I would behave the way I did….why am I misunderstood….

Because it hurts me when I am misunderstood, because my intentions were good…I didn’t mean to hurt…and I would beat myself up for having hurt others feelings, expectations of me…..and beat myself and hurt myself and hid and became quiet….unfeeling….

Kept my eyes on my girls though. I never lost sight of them.

I hid. I stopped reading newspapers, 15 years ago…. its always the same thing….besides I did not understand most of it. I knew how to read….but my vocabulary and meanings were/ARE very different than a NORMAL persons. Words have a different meaning for me. It takes me a while to explain what I mean, or to understand others!

I could not SEE that I had a choice to walk away from what was hurting me so much. I believed that I didn’t have the choice. I believed I am a woman, trapped, down and out, living because thats the only reality I knew….I could never leave my girls. I was raised to be responsible for myself and whats mine.

Its simple today….I can see my daughters and my family…..and soon, maybe ME!

Posted in BPD.

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