The Ninth Sense

My therapist was smiling from ear to ear….I could HEAR in her voice. We have never met. She and me. But we have been talking for 2 years now. Twice a week. She has brought me far….we have made a lot of progress, when I look back. And if you need a consult….ping me for info.

She was happy yesterday. I was happy with her. I couldn’t FEEL HAPPY inside. It always takes me a couple of days to react to something significant or a discovery ….

After writing yesterdays blog?…..I urged my therapist  to read it. After reading it, she said “Raina, does it mean that you have just admitted to having a very supportive family?

Yaa Nandita….when I started writing that sentence….I realised that my parents and my environment had been so nurturing, so supportive of me. I SAW for the first time….how much I have DISREGARDED them…screaming at them…”you don’t understand me”…..DID I understand THEM? No.

I have BPD. All my life 50 years of my life….I blamed and I fought and I got angry and I lashed out and I could NOT SHOW my love for them. And all along it was them who smiled and laughed at EVERYTHING I did, my brother would say “she is ahead of her times” …..they BOUGHT ME THE RED MOTORCycle and said “motorcycles are meant to be ridden fast”. They gave me unconditional TRUST and SMILES. We 4 always stuck together…no matter what…and when we were together in a room, there would only be laughter!  The thing is that for 30 years of my life…I ONLY had the sad dark memories IMPRINTED. I DID NOT REMEMBER ANY OF THESE HAPPY MEMORIES….

(am writing in bold…because I am screaming inside)

Because of this fucking illness…I lost time and I kept on hurting, crying over my PATHETIC STATE….not realising not seeing not being able to see outside of the PAIN I was feeling…I still feel.  Believing I HAD BEEN HURT.  My PAIN is the BIGGEST, because it WAS !! This BPD pain that WE feel is real. Its dark and hard to understand. But for me…it feels real, everyday struggling NOT to loose control, or snap…not to get hijacked  by my emotions…Dr. S says.

I went out in the world….with these 2 things and I have both…

A. TRUST in ME

B.  my smiles (no math)

Today, I found empathy!

PS: blind Trust , is ALSO a symptom of BPD!!