A lot happened in the Last 16 hours:

It started pouring INSIGHT and FEELING and a glimpse of me….what happened?….A FEW things happened …in succession…

April 22nd, evening: my younger one came up to me and said…Mumma, you used to play this song a lot, when I was a little girl…and she hummed it to me…”Tom’s Diner”…and I remembered…. She went on to say, with a giggle, how she used to be playing with her toys and I would be working and playing music. There was this other song she said….”Fast Car!! I said!!” And then she took my laptop and downloaded the songs for me. (she knows, I don’t know how to use a computer!) And she played them….and it brought back the memories of WHEN and WHERE… I had HEARD these songs for the first time… Took me back in time to Kansas! my little girl is trying to wake me up!

I realised i had been so stressed …that I had been clenching my shoulders and hands in sleep and waking up sore. My doctor had told me to watch myself….and yesterday I consciously was able to relax my muscles…. except…I keep forgetting and have to remember and remind myself. Just need practice!

Then I found this photograph of mine from 30 yrs ago…and remembered how I used to dress up in my fathers and brothers clothes. They always fit well. And then it STRUCK me…I was never TREATED like a girl…growing up! My family was the most ACCEPTING and VALIDATING of me.  They expected some thing or the other from me, except THE USUAL…and smiled and laughed and NEVER made me feel inferior.  I made bad choices for me…and they stood by me. I trusted them. But I NEVER realised what a challenge it must have been for them and people around me….to try and figure me.  I DID NOT KNOW MYSELF. I was being driven by this HUGE mountain of emotion that would drown me and leave me feeling so drained. I dint know….so I continued on with life…improvising as I went along.

THIS MORNING…..A friend of mine, from school days, commented on my blog on Facebook. A friend who knew me when I was just 16 years old and he is rooting for his friend…me? I cried. Because I remembered a bit of me. He has given me reason to smile!

Then, I tasted my food today. I ate because I was hungry and I liked the food.

Imagine this: If you don’t feel hungry, don’t taste the food, then why would you go to buy food. Why go to the kitchen? Why meet for lunch and dinner? Sorry….just trying to make a point.  MANY other things also MIGHT affect our appetite


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About Me

An English diarist and naval administrator. I served as administrator of the Royal Navy and Member of Parliament. I had no maritime experience, but I rose to be the Chief Secretary to the Admiralty under both King Charles II and King James II through patronage, diligence, and my talent for administration.


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