The Ninth Sense

I am in the town of Auroville….

and today called in a emergency meeting with my therapist….she has a brilliant soul…

and I was crying because I realised that I have this fkg something…that despite all my efforts and watching myself and planning for a NICE evening….a trip for the girls…and a vacation for me…with the sole purpose of writing here….then what drove me to feel fragile in this country….

and here I am…

calling a emergency meeting because I am scared…I saw over the last few days….my efforts and my loosing control….despite all my efforts. Today, I realised that I cannot be a normal person….and I am going to stop trying!

I was stopping myself…telling me that I can do it…I have control…I have read enough…I have started blogging….and for heavens sake I am on vacation….then whats wrong with me… I thought I had it figured and I won’t allow anything to pain me…but then…the news of the girls and the color of the sky and the newspaper and the sight of people laughing…and my desire to live…and reality of my BPD….what I have become….as I connect dots and memories of who I was…and who I am…what I have become…what happened to my red motorcycle…I don’t know!

WHO AM I?

I know today….I felt the BPD….the pain of it…and how it can drive me out of control. Out of my bubble….I get restless, as I wanna go home…back to my safe zone. I have seen enough of the world, read the news, BEEN on a vacation….now…I just wanna go home….I want to go back to America. I want to go back to where I feel safe…where I am understood, where I don’t fear for my daughters, where I fear for the kids playing on the street…..