Our 2nd day of vacation:

I write today…because I got a new insight this morning..

Today morning…after my girls horse riding lesson…we sat around with a few other people for breakfast. People I just met in the morning.

The thing we had in common was we were all women, all with a sense of humor and we all joked about losing kids at the airport, at the beach, at the mall….. and being human about it…acknowledging our hysteria and “what’s wrong with you…she is safe..its okay. BUT you cannot lessen the pain in the moment and the falling apart. THINGS like these…make a Mark in your memory. And stays through life….UNTIL you START LIVING CONSCOUSLY OR die not knowing what makes you miserable, what KEEPS you miserable…

I am living…and getting my smiles back…

“I realise that I had kept beating myself for a very long time…after I lost my older one at the mall. I was a bad mom I thought. Nobody could convince me otherwise….

Today…i realised it happens with lots of people and I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. And I can clearly see the BPD …200% amplified emotions…TAKING OVER my mind..driving me to panic and crying for days after the incident. I KNOW it’s NOT A big deal…kids falling, getting lost, getting sick, getting hurt….BUT I have no control over the barrage of 200% amplified emotions. So….i loose it. I cry and I beat myself up. I even get creative to the extent of painting myself bad.

TODAY…i realise I had no control no inkling no freaking idea that “this intense feeling of despair” had a name and is a illness just like heart attack….except you live longer!

Makes me humble today to know that there are others fighting to stay alive…and then you start watching yourself for patterns in behaviour.

I SLOWED DOWN.

And today I sat listening to the stories with a smile on my face…

I found acceptance of me…fleeting….but there!

Seriously…i wish I had got a correct diagnosis before…instead of you have depression. I HOPE one of you finds some answers…in my words.

Posted in BPD.

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